Most days I have way more "I love being a mommy!" moments than moments when I want to scream and pull out all my hair. Today and yesterday have not been those days. It all started with a pile of poop....literally an explosive diaper that's so bad that its falling out of the diaper on to the floor and a daddy who doesn't notice the diaper and puts the kid on the floor anyway. That was the beginning of my Sunday morning as I was getting ready for church. Nothing like that to get you filled with the Spirit for church on Sunday morning, huh? The rest of the day, as far as mommyhood was concerned, did not get much better. Collin was over-tired and cranky from having spent 12 hours in the car on Saturday, plus he's getting his bottom eye teeth so that doesn't help. All day yesterday and today have been a series of freak outs and fits with very few "What a sweet baby I have!" moments. M&M did not make matters any better, because my back and hip were killing me all day for both days. Today, I felt like my day started out better, but everything quickly fell apart when I had to find something that we had borrowed from a friend. I tore the apartment apart and found it, but it was missing a piece. So I sped off to Target to get a new one, because they needed it this morning. I had Collin with me. He was still cranky and cried the whole time we were in Target. When I got home, the people who we had borrowed the item from were in my torn apart apartment. AAAHHHH! And that about set the tone for my whole day. All in all, loving and being thankful for my children these last two days has been much more about a choice than about warm, fuzzy feelings. I do love my babies SO MUCH, though. When I go look in at Collin sleeping (THANKFULLY), I just want to grab him and snuggle him. Of course, I won't because he needs his sleep, but you get the idea.
This post is not to complain, however. I know many moms who have those days x5 children. It's more for myself just to put down some thoughts I've had in writing.
My first thoughts go something like this: "I even started my day out with reading my Bible (usually, I read later in the day), isn't that supposed to help?" "Why, oh why, does this child just want Daddy all day when Mommy is the one that does everything for him?" "Maybe if I just give in and let him have his paci things will get better. After all, he is getting teeth." "I just want to go back to bed!!!"
As I was complaining to my hardworking husband, I began to hear myself. And then my thoughts changed to, "Seriously, Heather, you have a wonderful son who you get to be home with and a hardworking husband with steady work. What is your problem?!?" About this time, I came to realize that the problem was not the teething baby or the missing piece or anything else but me. I needed an attitude adjustment. Matt deserves to call or come home to a wife that's not a wreck. Collin deserves better than a mommy who just puts him back in his crib when he cries rather than dealing with the actual problem. I'm not saying that I can't sometimes use Matt as a shoulder to cry on, I'm certainly not saying that a good nap can't fix a lot of problems. But it shouldn't be that way all the time. I also realized that I was attempting to be "superwife" and "supermom" in my own strength. I'm probably never going to be either one of those, but it's a guarantee that I will never be them on my own. God has called me to this place in my life (a place that I really do LOVE most days), and it's only through his will that I can accomplish his purpose for me in this place.
In church yesterday morning, the message was entitled "5 Reasons to Have an Unshakable Trust in Jesus Christ". While all of the points were things I knew before, it was good to be reminded of some of them. One of the points was that we can trust him because of his humanity. He spent 33 years on this earth being 100% human, and he understands human things like exhaustion and other things that contribute to less-than-stellar days. That is one of the things that makes him so trustworthy. He experienced the things that we go through every day and went through it sinless. He experienced so much worse on this earth than a pile of poop or a cranky baby or back pain, and He did it all for me. The least I can do is wholly trust Him and rely on Him to help me through whatever he calls me to do.
Enough rambling for tonight - I didn't even proofread this, because I am too tired. I'm going to try to get a good night's sleep, so I can conquer tomorrow with a much-improved attitude.
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